Learning to live with loss
We described grief as complex, multi-faceted, and variable over time. This is also true of the process of learning to live with a loss. It requires reorganizing a complex array of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and doing this in a variable and unpredictable way.. We move back and forth in our capacity to accept the reality and/or restore our ability to thrive and we do this in a unique way for each loss.
Given the unpredictable nature of the experience, many people find it helpful to have a way to think about the process that can serve as a guide as we navigate our lives after loss.
Acute grief occurs in the early period after a loss and usually dominates the life of a bereaved person for some period of time; strong feelings of yearning, longing, and sorrow are typical as are insistent thoughts and memories of the person who died. Other painful emotions, including anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, or shame are also common. Activities are often focused on doing or not doing certain things to try to deal with the loss.
Adapting to loss entails accepting the reality of death and restoring the capacity for well-being. Accepting reality includes its permanence and the permanence of grief, a changed relationship with the person who died, and the many other changes that accompany the loss. Restoring the capacity for well-being includes a sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness so that the future holds possibilities for a life with purpose and meaning, joy and satisfaction.
Integrated grief is a lasting form of grief that has a place in the person’s life without dominating it or being overly influential in thoughts, feelings, or behavior. This form of grief is usually bittersweet and can be helpful in learning and growing in life. When grief is integrated it mostly resides in the background, but it’s often activated on certain calendar days, life events, or with unexpected reminders of the loss. This does not mean that a bereaved person has not adapted to their loss.
Grief is the response to losing a loved one; it contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and physiological changes. When the loss is permanent, so too is grief, but its form evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss. People have natural ways of adapting to loss, usually with the support of friends and relatives, and everyone does it in their own way. You can think of healing after a loss as analogous to healing after a physical wound.
The loss, like a physical injury, evokes pain that can be very strong. Physical injuries activate a healing process. Loss does too. Wound healing can be delayed and so, too can the process of adapting to the loss. When this occurs, grief can be pervasive and prolonged, dominating a bereaved person’s life with an undue influence on their thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
Acute grief occurs in the early period after a loss and usually dominates the life of a bereaved person for some period of time; strong feelings of yearning, longing, and sorrow are typical as are insistent thoughts and memories of the person who died. Other painful emotions, including anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, or shame are also common. Activities are often focused on doing or not doing certain things to try to deal with the loss.
Adapting to loss entails accepting the reality of death and restoring the capacity for well-being often with the help of psychotherapist. Accepting reality includes its permanence and the permanence of grief, a changed relationship with the person who died, and the many other changes that accompany the loss. Restoring the capacity for well-being includes a sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness so that the future holds possibilities for a life with purpose and meaning, joy and satisfaction.
Integrated grief is a lasting form of grief that has a place in the person’s life without dominating it or being overly influential in thoughts, feelings, or behavior. This form of grief is usually bittersweet and can be helpful in learning and growing in life. When grief is integrated it mostly resides in the background, but it’s often activated on certain calendar days, life events, or with unexpected reminders of the loss. This does not mean that a bereaved person has not adapted to their loss.